Changing Behavior

"Three billion people on the face of the earth go to bed hungry every night, but four billion people go to bed every night hungry for a simple word of encouragement and recognition."

-- Cavett Robert

 From Steve Chandler:

"The worst way to alter someone's behavior is to make them feel like they are doing something wrong.

If you tell them they're wrong to be drinking so much, they'll get upset, slam the door, go out and drink even more.  If you tell them they're lazy and not studying enough, they'll go to the couch and study even less.  If you tell them they don't listen to you, they'll listen even less.  (It's human nature to convert wrong into right.)

The other problem with trying to change other people is even more important. 

Even if they do change, they're still not happy.   

Let's say I've been trying to change some habit of yours for a long time.  In fact, I've convinced myself that my own happiness depends upon it, and now you've come home and surprised me by saying you've quit this habit of yours, and you're a changed person.  Am I happy now?  On the contrary. Now I'm even more nervous than before because I don't know whether I can trust this change.  In fact, all I can think about is, "How long is this going to last??"    

I have that horrible feeling that this is probably too good to be true.  I don't want to get my hopes up.  I don't want to set myself up for an even greater disappointment, so I end up losing sleep at night and bracing myself by day.

Any time my happiness depends on something you do or don't do, I'm lost because I'm looking for happiness in all the wrong places.  Happiness does not come from relationships.  When relationships are good, the happiness is brought to the relationship by two people who are already happy.  I can share my happiness with you, but I can't get my happiness from you.

The most destructive relationship illusion of all time is that other people can make us happy.  They can't.  However, our already existing happiness can increase by sharing it with another person."

Steve, as usual, is sharing knowledge here. The overlap of Truth and Beliefs. So let's take this a step further. How do you change the behavior of your employees if you can't do it by "managing them" - nagging, criticizing and pointing out the things they need to change?

Try these techniques - things great coaches do to ensure they have the best players in every position.

1. They coach, they don't manage - they know they need to focus on the person and helping them get better.
2. They coach in practice, not the game. The have 10-15 minute Weekly Coaching Conversations with their direct reports. Focus on the player - wins, focus, goals. How can I help you get better?
3. They praise the behavior they want to see 4 times more than they discuss the behaviors they don't want to see.
4. They stop answering questions - they have the employees come to them with their solutions, what they intend to do then discuss them.
5. They build a virtual bench of A Players, people who have other jobs but have been vetted by you and want to join your team. (They scout continuously and use the draft/free agency). Having this bench makes all "people issues" less stressful and more productive.

Spend 1-2 hours a week having your Weekly Coaching Conversations and another hour recruiting everywhere you go. 3 hours per week, busy "on purpose", will greatly reduce your stress and build a great company over time.